my weblog

As usual, another lengthy time between posts. :\

Well, if anyone is interested, I did get the 3 As to go to Durham University, which I am moving to 2 weeks today! I just can’t imagine going. Every day for the past 18 years, I’ve woken up in my bed, in my house, and on 30th I’ll be going to a place 3.5 hours north, where I’ll know nobody, and taking my whole life up in boxes, and not seeing any of my friends from here until Christmas.

Talking of Christmas, I really have to sort out my CV this week. I need some Christmas work, so am going to be filling in lots of forms, and sending off my CV to places. Only problem is that I have no work experience whatsoever. I’ve never had a job before. So many places won’t take me. Plus, I only have a month off for Christmas holidays, so not sure who will take me.

Felt so stupid yesterday night. I had dropped something down the side of my bed, so lay on my front to reach it. Only my watch meant that my arm got jammed between the radiator and the bed! I couldn’t move it, and couldn’t call for help as people were asleep, and my brother was up but had his music on. I did get it out, but it hurt a bit, but it seems fine now.

I might add to this a bit later, I’ve got to go to my aunt’s now.

Wow, OK, I didn’t realise I had totally abandoned this for six months. It’s a shame, a couple of years ago, I was so into webdesigning, was never very good, but enjoyed it, and now I am so busy I hardly have time to do any of this stuff anymore.

At the moment life is busy. I hate how the British education system is one of the worst for the amount of tests. Off hand, you do official tests when you’re 5, 11, 14, 16, 17 and 18. It doesn’t sound like many, but when you’re constantly working for the next stage, especially the latter stages, it is so demoralising. You just feel like you’re in a system - you can’t love the subject as you can’t study it in depth, you’re just learning how to pass an exam. I’ve spent so many hours working and stressing. At the moment, I am at the latter stage, I do my final exams in the summer. But it’s so stressful. I have an offer to study History at Durham University in September (which looks so amazing), but they want AAA - the top entry requirements. I am capable of it, and am predicted these, but they are adament if you miss the grades by even as little as a mark then you probably won’t get in. The school won’t give us study leave, so I am stuck at school until the date of my first exam, which also happens to be my 18th birthday. What’s the point of being in school if you’re just sitting there wasting your time?

I took my driving test at the beginning of April, and got 2 minors, but I also got a serious which meant I failed. I just now have a fear that I’ll fail my next test, as there is always more pressure on the second test. Eeek.

My last day of school/exam is the 27th June. It’ll be odd. Due to the strange nature of our county’s schools, I’ve only been there 4 years, but I just can’t imagine myself not going to school, rather to university, even though that prospect is only 6 months away! You just don’t expect it to come round - to me, people at university have always been years older than me.

At least it’s sunny and warm. You can still tell it is spring, but it’s much nicer than wet and rainy winters.

Nicki x

Well, I had my flute competition yesterday - I came second but it could have been better.

I’ll start from when I got adjudicated, after everyone had played. She literally spent 5 minutes praising my piece and how I played, which was really nice, but I was expecting a grilling. Earlier on in the day she’d reduced a girl to tears, and she was to in my class too, as she simply listed all that was wrong with their playing. Sometimes she’d go “Now, do you know what my problem is with you?”, and other times it would just all come out. She also particularly liked the last player, the clarinettist, although he got a few minor criticisms in his tone.

So, I was quietly confident that I’d be in the top 3. Before she announced the results, she said she would have loved to give a tied first between myself and the clarinettist, she put him first and me second, purely on the basis of the pianist and the interaction with the pianist!!

This was a bit off as:

a) It’s a solo  - your music should be judged not your pianist

b) It’s harder to interact when your music isn’t imitative, his was, mine wasn’t

c) I’d met my pianist for 10 minutes the previous day, his was his Dad.

I am happy with second, but it is just a bit annoying, as if I had come first, I would have won a cup for the highest mark (I was only 1 mark behind this boy) and gone through into the our area’s “Young Musician of the Year” qualifiers. Her marking was just inconsistent…why spend ages talking about all my positives, then mention weaknesses in the clarinettist if she was going to put him first?

Wow, I haven’t posted in ages. It’s not that I can’t be bothered, I have a constant “blog” in my head, but when it comes to writing it down, it just comes out as pointless blurb.

I can’t be long in this blog because I am supposed to be out of the house in 20 mins to go to orchestra and I haven’t had breakfast yet or sorted my stuff out.

Life is alright at the moment I suppose, but on the verge of getting so hectic. I have so much school work and revision I have to do, and also lots of flute playing, I have a flute competition next Saturday (oh goodness), and my Grade 8 flute exam on December 8th. But, I sort of hate my flute playing at the moment, I don’t sound like I want me to sound.

It’s been really frosty here recently, like in Scandinavian countries, where there is bright sunshine, but it’s really cold. The orchestra bus is usually so cold, so I’ll have to wrap up warm today.

Didn’t talk to him yesterday - even though we’re not together I still miss him!  I usually talk to him the most on MSN and he understands me well.

Well, I better go, sorry this is so short.

A lot of things in life you can look at but you can’t touch.

At the moment, with this boy, I’d love to do so many things for him: to be able to look half decent in something for him, to hug him and stroke his hair, to share experiences with him. However, for now, it’s like I can talk to him, see him on cam, see him about once a month due to distance, but nothing can happen for the moment, as we’re just too far away. Gah.

Started school again on Friday - what a pointless day! It would make much more sense to start again on a Monday. My final year of education in a “school”, I am choosing my universities now, and by this time next year I will be studying History (hopefully) at an institution in England.

Another thing which was new, was I had my first rehearsal with the county symphony orchestra. I really enjoyed it, although it is scary being one to a part, as you have to be confident in your ability, and cannot follow anyone.

Quite happy tonight - a rare occurance!

I hate feeling like this. The problem is my moods can swing so quickly. It’s not that obvious to people on the outside, but just a little thing can make me feel negative, and then it can go on for a while. I’m not depressed, but just have low self confidence and esteem and it leads to feeling stressed. I then hate burdening people with all my trivial problems, which leads to me hating myself because it feels like I’m just moaning.

I have a running commentary in my head about what I am going to blog, and then I can never think of anything, ie. now. Hmm.

I should be doing some homework, but I always have found a way to distract myself?

So, what have I been doing? Since July, when I broke up, I have been on tour to Italy, been on holiday, visited a friend, seen a BBC Prom in London, and got my AS results (I got 4As and a B (one mark off an A)), so yes I am happy. Now comes the scary process of finding, and applying for a university, which I have to do by October 15th - ARGH. Seems so soon, teehee! I visited Durham University yesterday and it was lovely - a nice, old city, with a fantastic History course, but the college I like, well, first years have to share, which I am really not that keen on.

Can’t really think of much else, hmmm!

Bye!

Hmm….my emotions are all over the shop at the moment. I can’t really express them in words apart from like this:

For when someone has cared

For when you want somebody so badly and it cannot happen

For when life gets in the way

For when you think about what life could be like

For when you wish you knew what he thought

If I do one thing it could end in disaster, but if I don’t do anything it could end in disaster. I can relate everything to him. Yet at present I don’t think it can work.

I am going to an open day at Cambridge University tomorrow, and then Bristol University on Thursday. In some respects I can’t wait to get out of school, especially at the moment. I need a break. It isn’t nice to have exams til June 7 then have to go back on June 12 and be thrown into next year’s courses.

I dread, yet anticipate the future….

Even though it is exam time (4th exam today), I actually feel quite optimistic. Throughout the past few weeks, I have realised that there is more to life than exams, and I really don’t need to panic as much as I do. It seems a big deal at the time, but I still have friends, family and a good life. If the worst comes to the worst I could always resit.

I feel quite old recently. I know 16 is not old at all, but in a couple of weeks time I’ll be taking driving lessons, and then next year I am going to university. That sounds really scary, from living at home and having people near me to me, to being completely independent. I think I’ll like it in some ways, but it sounds so scary in others! Am visiting open days soon to see where I like.

The weather’s been stupid these past few days, it can’t make up its mind whether it wants to be sunny or rain. I’d rather it would be sunny.

3.5 weeks til my first exam….humph…that really isn’t long.

School is really dragging me down at the moment. It is one of the sources which has made me most happy but also one which can make me feel so stressed. And I know I get stressed too easily, but hmmm.

I had a music recital yeterday for my school music qualification. I really didn’t want to do it but I am glad it is over. The adrenaline was still pumping round my body when I finished, I was shaking more afterwards than when I was actually playing!

My room is like a bombsite….there is stuff everywhere which I really should clear up at some point.

All my best wishes go to http://turtelina.net target=”_blank”>Connie xxx